The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
