24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
