I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
