Moan for me like Helen Keller
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
