When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
