i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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