I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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