Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
