One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
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I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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