Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
