we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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