i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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