I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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