So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
