every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
