I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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