Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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