I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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