ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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