New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Green mimosas i think yes
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My feet surprised me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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