You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
