I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sext me about skeletons
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
