Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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