Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
