she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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