You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
