if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Church boner. Awkwardddd
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
