How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
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I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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