Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
