Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
