Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
