I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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