I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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