I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
