dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
