I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
