At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
