I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
