Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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