I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
