Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
