U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
