new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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