i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
