I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
