Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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