i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
