Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize