Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
