every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
