Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
