So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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