Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
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How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize