2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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