So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
