just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
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I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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