Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The uberlube is also flammable
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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