i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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