his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
